Back Home ....

:) - Finally arrived at my sweet home and feels I was never away for 3 years.
Not sure how to put this in words but it feels strange - like a stranger among friends - like a lone person in a houseful of people.
Things have not changed drastically but I have noticed certain trends that have crept up -
One thing I was so disappointed with was the THE HINDU paper !! - They have reduced the number of pages and the material is just the basics - The additionals used to be such a wonderful timepass -now its more like THE METRO in UK - where are THE HINDU standards gone ?

I am happy about Hyderabadi people more casual about Girls wearing Jeans, less complaining about traffic ,pollution - I am not talking about places like Himayatnagar, Ameerpet and Panjagutta where this is the norm - This is the outskirts of Hyderabad where milk is still supplied after fresh produce from buffaloes and not milk packets - where a weekend doesn't mean shopping but a good lunch and an afternoon siesta :) .

TV serials and movies - south India - especially Kerala channels are based on 3 things
1- women either as oppressed or as cunning villain for the whole serial- a Vamp.
2- singing competitions ( too many of them )
3 - GOD - from Swami Ayappan to Devi.

I have not even forayed into the channels like Start plus gold and all- scared that I will become a Zombie in front of the TV like many others in India.

Food is a great thing - ask any Indian anywhere in the world. A simple Aloo fry with Mom's touch is heaven - no words or expressions will justify that.

India - The land of Call centres - is a norm now - I remember the time Aunty's used to gossip about the so and so ki beti is going in a cab at night and working in a call centre - the Stigma is still there for a middle class family but the call centre trend continues - Of course has ups and downs but people are living with it - no one frowns or becomes ecstatic about a call centre work.

This one is I think a little funny but I am quiet happy with this trend- Foreign returned Girls or Guys no longer get the AWE from people- Not because they are jealous or anything- Because literally each family has got one person who has gone to the West. They know the Dubai Waiting times nightmare- The luggage problems for which they will sympathetically nod - the Indian Instant food we get abroad - The webcam to webcam chatting on laptops....

Coming to which - Mobile phones - the first thing my friend asked me when he picked me up was which mobile am I using - My servants daughter has a mobile phone which my mom calls incase she is late!! (This is not an exaggeration)
This is not to portray there is no poverty here or that the country has developed and there are no woes -
Traffic, Poverty still prevails but the degree of poorness has come down -

A middle class family with a four wheeler and one of their children abroad is UPPER middle class :) - a 'poor' family with a mobile phone - What do I call them ?

India and Traffic - Horrendous is the best word to describe it - Its the usual but the 2 wheelers replaced by 4 wheelers now - I have not seen a single Cycle or a Luna on the roads - its Cars, MotorBikes and HondaActivas now - Women Drivers are a norm -

I can go on writing about each and everything but do not want to overamplify little things here - the above things are mere observations of mine - At the end of the day I am glad I am back.

Pursuit of Answers ??

Watched the movie Kancheevaram today - No doubt a super movie with a tragic ending or should I say an ending which is normal and not the happily ever after we are used to.
The film made me think about a lot of things - Love for our own Blood- The Pride in being young - the Compromises of old age- The Promises told many times over but never fulfilled - The Choice we make and the Sanity that keeps us in this mad mad world ...

Every person will at some point of time come to this tug of war between His own personal desires ,aspirations and The worldly expectations - We as human Beings- as man and woman play these games and decision and choices which make no sense when we are on our death bed - Will it really matter if I was a software engineer and had a huge bank balance - But will it also matter if I am poor and my children steal for food ? Where does the balance lie and what is this balance... where is sanity ?

We record histories- we salute heroes - We bury and respect the dead- We make the dead alive in so many stories to our children - during rituals in family occasions - During someone else's death - times when they become one among us -

For me its impossible to imagine my old age and death - I can only talk about it - be philosophical about it but may be when I lie to die I may realise how foolish I was -
Or who knows I may be proud about it - WHO KNOWS ?

I remember Gandhiji's Talisman which talks about recalling the weakest man in times of doubt and if it leads to freedom for him and many alike then all over doubts will melt away - I feel we ourselves are the weakest man whom we know best -

So when I am contemplating the next stage of my life- career, marriage,location, in other words all things that matter to me today will the weakest man in me understand and clear my doubts or is my death bed the better yardstick to compare?

Is the destination not as important as the journey ? why does it not matter what the destination is - Death is our destination - No matter how we make the journey we reach there - The peace in death lies in what journey we had before -

The balance lies as to what that peace is for each one of us.

I have no answers yet for my peace - as usual mind is so bogged down with emotions no practical tick list comes which I can say is a benchmark for me.I believe each one of us or atleast some of us are in the pursuit of that answer which will make us happy - will keep us happy even in death -

The irony is that our answer is only tested against one Question once in Life - During Death.

The train station

Today after a lazy Sunday afternoon of cleaning cooking and washing clothes…I went out to buy some stuff for home …

It was a wonderful weather. ..neither hot nor chilling cold…a gentle wind which plays with my hair ..bringing many strands on my face,eyes…made me feel like a movie heroine about to meet her hero ;) hehehe

And then I went to this railway station which is just beside my home..literally 20 steps away ..I always loved trains ..right from long journeys back home to the sound of the trains rhythm …. One of my mom’s relative home is situated adjacent to a railway track ….I always used to envy the little girl who stayed there ….:) ….she used to wave her hands to random strangers….and I could very well relate to the passengers in the train .. going to different places ….I was one among them always and how I yearned to be the one waving hands …
……When I moved to this home this station was one of the deciding factors …not for the practical aspect of reaching work early, simply because I could listen to the rhythm …..Everyday ….Our kitchen overlooks the train station and Its not a busy one...its those one of the smaller stations where many people don’t get down or get in but is nevertheless there …..So while I am cooking or washing vessels or having my tea early morning …the rhythm …is music to my ears …as though a tune of melodies passes over my heart and mind and it relaxes me immensely …..

So the station that I look at everyday I walked towards it...I grinned like someone who has got the cream ...and I simply loved it ….I was alone at the station …..No one at sight …..Like an abandoned station but alive in so many ways …This was not one of those very actively maintained stations that we see …It was just a simple station with 2 tracks on both sides of the stations and fencing at the borders to prohibit trespassers….and then 2 tunnels started at some distance on opposite sides….and then beyond the tracks the carvings of raw soil and stone which made this station possible. Every train passenger will know this …those sights of green patches of grass over some rocky stones....

I didn’t saviour this silence for long cos along came a train and waited at a distance like asking me ‘Can I go now and break this silence’ ….And after a 2 minute wait It went …….For some time the sound echoed through out ….. I started walking towards the exit and It felt as though I was the only person alive on this earth …It was not that eerie silence that haunts many but the silence in between the bird chirping, the stray cat walking among bushes., the crunch of gravel and what not below my shoes, and the gentle wind that sways above the tracks… and the ruffle of my coat against me ……

I am back to my room and I feel that silence within me … It has been gulped by me like air and that silence is now travelling unknown destinations within …..

Three Suitcases and a bag

10th Jan 2010...


I am moving home …and it takes me back to some memories in the past …

Standing among all the things of the house on the back of a lorry and grinning with my brother and my dog Caesar …yelling my name over and over in the centre of the newly painted unfurnished room…drinking in the smell of the kerosene pungent paint smell…playing at the large plonks of dried paint on the kitchen slab…and being scolded my parents over nothing or something …among the whole chaos of sorting things ….

And then slowly like clouds …. the home gets our smell.. a mixture of mothers sambhar.. dads pooja rooms agarbathi ..my shampoos and books …Caesar’s wet fur after his bath …brothers stinking shoes or shirts :) ……and then finally I know its home ….

Today I am packed...Three suitcases a bag and me ….

…..Time and experiences are like the hammer and the chipper an artist uses to carve the image he wants from the raw stone……time and experiences in our life shape us up... and surprisingly the artist is no one else but we ourselves …we shape our image …….and at some stage we stop and look at our image ....like an artist gauging his work …and it is this introspection that makes us human….someone in touch with themselves …..
When death arrives …we are merely changing the raw stone on which a new image can be carved upon….

It’s a great realisation when this hits upon me …I suddenly realise the reasons for my failure…it was simply me ….not bad timing or bad luck …It was how I had shaped things…..

Today I am moving out ....and this was thought by me some months before…I needed a different place to carve myself …

Three suitcases and a bag packed and I feel empty inside …like I have settled accounts…like everything has been done …completed and yet there’s nothing I have done ….

I had unpacked my things here 2 years back …and in many ways life unpacked something different at very different points of time …the things that came out at every point ….were somehow right…..now they never seem wrong in any sense…
Its right ….somehow it fits … somehow my never ending jigsaw puzzle is almost complete with everything however wrong in place ……

I am as clueless as I was 2 years about this place..people,things,mindsets etc....
I have collected some things, memories which come back when I pack stuff...Some good and bad reminders of past. Past... a time that can never come back...Present that’s becoming past every passing minute and future that constantly races with the present......

and yet I end up with three suitcases a bag and me ....:)