A conversation with loneliness …
Today I had a conversation with loneliness ..not being alone but simply knowing that I felt lonely ….I asked ‘why do you come so often in my life? …to which it simply smiled and said ‘do you really have a choice ? I had to shrug my shoulders sigh and say ..’yeah I guess you are right …when everybody is gone that’s when you stay isn’t it ?.
I suddenly felt tears prick in my eyes..how alone am I to hold a conversation with loneliness ? I felt pangs of self sympathy, hatred and anger ….again loneliness touched me with ice cold fingers and said .. ‘why do you hate me so much ? why do you hate my presence? It sounded hurt …almost apologetic and I felt sorry for it …
So strange it must be isn’t it to never ever to be with people and pick out someone who hasn’t got anyone and be with them and hear them moaning about your presence ….
I looked at it and asked ‘how do you know who is feeling lonely? …she looked into my eyes and said ..’its the eyes …they speak a lot ‘….the way they shy away ..the way they long to get away from a place ..they way their breathing goes heavy as though their heart weighs them down …it’s the longing in those eyes that call me …’
I nodded …and I said ‘do you feel happy when you are with them ? Loneliness laughed at this …and it said I am feeling …it’s the first time someone asked if I have feelings too … I don’t know what are they ..this is what I do …….I then asked – OK do you think people are happy when you come to them …It thought for sometime ..and said ‘ some people embrace me ..they yearn for my presence ..they say I bring them peace …I bring lots of silence with me …but there are some people who abhor me ..run away from me ..i think its fear that they will end up like me ….travelling around with no constant companion …but there are some like ..she smiled like you ..'who don’t know what to do with me' ……I smiled not knowing what to say …..and ‘I said whom are you the most happiest with? She thought with her pale eyes looking down and said .. I am happy if that’s what you call it when I find a person accepting me slowly …knowing that I am harmless and uses me to heal itself ….but I find it difficult when someone is with me people don’t find it normal .. they say 'oh he or she is lonely'…..No they are not they are with me !
I smiled and thought about what she said …and I said where do you come from? She said well it depends …I said it depends ??…on what ??...It replied ‘ I come from the same reasons I come for …I come from peace if a person wants peace ..I come to be with people if they want my company….so my cause is my reason too ….
And what do you think of death? she shrugged and said ‘ I die in million places at the same time …I die when I am born ..but in different places …in different forms ....
I said ..and what about death of people ….? She said ‘most of the time I am not there when a person dies .. they have lots of things in mind and around them … their memories, love, experiences , their journey ahead …..a person doesn’t feel lonely in death .. he either has lots of love or fear …...I sometimes am a bystander that’s all ….
Don’t you feel sorry for a dying person- I asked? ..It looked at me as though to ask whats to feel sorry about in That ? I said ‘have you felt bad for anyone at all .....and then I stopped midsentence as Ithought whom am I kidding ..it has no feelings !....
Surprisingly she answered me …she said 'yes I feel sad when I go near lonely children …when I see a miracle of this world ..wandering away and longing for something else I have a very bad feeling …I try to talk to them…but I dont know if it helps …..I looked at her with awe …..it had a heart too…..
I nodded ..it was right …I said ‘do you have these moments when you need to be alone as well’ …it looked straight ahead and said nothing ….it said ‘ I am me …cant be someone else’ ….she looked at me with strange eyes and said ,…you have asked me so many things ….Can I ask you something? I replied ‘ yeah go on’….Are you happy now ? I thought and said ‘yes I am’ ..then she said ‘oh good and why is it? ..cos I smiled and said 'I am with you'…..
